Fighting against standards of perfection: is it possible?
Have you ever felt guilty or sad, or even anxious, after checking your social media? This is no coincidence. Psychology has found that the media and social media promote certain standards of perfection which, because they are unattainable, push the public towards unhealthy perfectionism and pathological behaviour patterns, and even psychological disorders.
In fact, the emergence of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and addictions is directly related to the perception of external demands. This is confirmed by a study published in 2019 by the American Psychology Association (APA), which states that generations born after 1989 feel that society demands more of them, and they themselves are more demanding of others and also of themselves.
These demands are often based on social standards, which lead us to think of social recognition, success and acceptance as a result of meeting them. However, is it possible to achieve them as individuals? How do they affect our emotional well-being, our decisions and our perception of normality? Below, we will take a closer look at the results of social psychology research on this topic.
Types of social standards
Human beings are gregarious animals; we have a need to form groups and belong to them, and these interactions shape our behaviour. Therefore, we tend to adopt beliefs, customs, ideas, and attitudes from the cultural environment around us. Based on these, a series of social norms are established that determine what is right and wrong, what is desirable and what is not, and what rewards and punishments are established for compliance. At the individual level, psychology has found the following standards of perfection:
- Beauty standards: since the late 20th century, athletic and slim bodies have been considered beautiful. Men are expected to be muscular, tall, strong and have hair. Women are expected to have a slim, athletic body with large breasts and a flat stomach.
- Work standards: in this area, having a high-paying job with responsibility is considered necessary for professional success. In addition, some professions also have more social prestige than others, such as being a police officer or a medical doctor.
- Family standards: the prototypical family model today is described as consisting of a heterosexual, cisgender couple and their children, usually more than one.
- Couple model: a perfect couple would be two people in a monogamous relationship with long-term plans to formalise the family standard described in the previous point. Furthermore, being in a relationship is rewarded with greater recognition than remaining single.
People build their identity around these norms and, at the same time, reinforce them through their behaviour. However, when these norms are applied in an unhealthy and overly demanding way, the emotional well-being of those who cannot adapt suffers.
How standards of perfection influence us
Social norms, such as the standards mentioned above, base the success of their compliance on a psychological phenomenon called “social desirability”. The theory that defines this phenomenon, proposed by Crowne and Marlowe in 1964, explains that people have a need to feel accepted and validated by others. Although each individual has a varying degree of this need, we are all affected by it to a greater or lesser extent.
According to this theory, being perfect under these criteria would lead to social recognition. The achievement of these standards would be carried out through specific actions (such as exercising or undergoing beauty treatments, for example), based on representative models (social media influencers and models) and would be rewarded with certain advantages (greater access to well-paid jobs or more partners to choose from). Therefore, along with these standards, guidelines for complying with them also appear.
These behavioural guidelines affect individuals in the following ways:
- Decision-making: choosing one food over another, studying for a better-paid profession, buying a house or renting one—all of these decisions are conditioned, partly, by the goals set for us by standards of perfection.
- Aesthetic tastes: within individual variability, most individuals in a social group are attracted to similar aesthetics dictated by these social norms.
- Moral values: society teaches us that anything that deviates from the norm is bad or immoral. Thus, for example, a body that is heavier than the standard of beauty may be labelled as ugly, but also as unhealthy or dysfunctional. Not losing weight, therefore, would be seen as an affront to oneself, socially perceived as neglectful behaviour and self-deprecation.
- Self-image and self-esteem: how a person sees themselves and how they value themselves will be closely related to their compliance with social standards. In turn, this is linked to mental and emotional health, as well as disorders related to the distortion of these perceptions (anxiety, stress, depression, eating disorders, burnout syndrome, etc.).
- Parenting styles: these social demands are passed down from generation to generation. An example of this can be found in a study published in 2016, which found that adolescents perceive high expectations from their parents and fear making mistakes.
How to fight against standards of perfection
According to an article by researchers Hazel and Kitayama from Stanford University, culture and the self-construction form a continuous cycle of mutual constitution, without either factor taking complete precedence. Therefore, society is as capable of defining the individual as the individual is of changing society.
The social struggle to change those standards of Western culture that hinder the longed-for individual freedom also involves internal work on the fears and maladaptive beliefs that promote current standards. The aim is therefore to demonstrate that a sense of belonging to a social group can also be obtained outside the standardised norm and, over time, become normalised.
If your social standards differ from the established ones, you may have experienced situations and made decisions that damage your emotional well-being. With these tips, we will see how to internalise your own standards and make them valid in a society that is governed by different ones.
1. Identify the thoughts that cause negative emotional states
If you have decided to fight against those standards of perfection that make you feel anxious, sad and, in generally negative states, the first step will be to identify the thoughts or events that trigger them.
For example, weighing yourself at the nutritionist's clinic can make you very aware of your weight, especially if it increases. This could trigger thoughts such as ‘I'm fat’ or ‘I'll never lose weight’. This is where the process begins: by becoming aware of the words we say to ourselves when we don't meet the standards. We need to pay attention to whether these words help us or, on the contrary, are destructive, and thus curb the internal discourse surrounding the latter.
2. Explore your belief system
These thoughts are based on a series of beliefs that, on the one hand, are in line with societal norms (you have to be slim and athletic) and, on the other hand, do not match your reality (weighing more than what is considered desirable). Discriminatory belief systems generate internal dialogues that damage our sensitivity and self-esteem.
Therefore, it is worth questioning everything that is causing you to have negative thoughts. Are these standards realistic? How are they affecting me? Do I feel that they are being imposed on me? Do I impose them on others? Through questions like these, you will identify the whole network of thoughts that are leading you to negative emotional states related to standards of perfection.
3. Change your habits
Once you have identified thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours related to these standards of perfection, it will be time to start changing your habits. An example of this would be to reprogram your eating habits: instead of restrictive diets that only seek to lose weight, create a conscious, nutritious diet that improves your sense of well-being.
4. Assertiveness training
Even if you manage to restructure your belief system and you are consistent in your behaviour with regard to the norms, you cannot control what others do. It is very possible that social pressure will increase when you begin your personal change and find yourself in situations where you have to choose between having a conflict or doing something you do not want to do.
In these cases, it is very important to train yourself in assertiveness: the ability to express your own ideas and emotions to others without aggression and while respecting theirs. A study conducted in 2019 found that schizophrenia patients trained in assertive techniques significantly improved their self-esteem. Even when mental health is seriously affected, the ability to act assertively is key to feeling better.
5. Seek out and create safe spaces
As mentioned above, no one meets all the standards of perfection that exist 100%. Therefore, you are very likely to meet other people who suffer because of this or who have decided to set their own standards. In this sense, finding groups that match your views and where you feel safe to express yourself and behave naturally will be necessary to maintain your psychological well-being.
Likewise, you too can be a vehicle for others to find a safe place to develop their own social standards and apply them to their lives. In this way, the social environment gradually changes as each individual rejects unrealistic demands and external pressures.
6. Seek help
Standards are part of the basic education of most of the population, so to a greater or lesser extent, they will be ingrained in their beliefs and thoughts. Abandoning those that cause suffering and building rational ideas and self-care habits is not easy, so do not hesitate to seek the help of a psychology professional. It is not easy to walk this path alone, especially when it comes to beliefs that are so deeply rooted that it is necessary to unlearn them.
The eternal struggle
Where do social norms that facilitate coexistence end and impossible demands for perfection begin? The truth is that, on an individual level, external comparisons and self-imposed demands become pathological if impossible goals are set.
For this reason, if you feel anxious, stressed, or uncomfortable every time you look at social media, television, or even a magazine, and this makes your daily life difficult, it is time to seek professional help. Above all, remember that you are a valuable person, sufficient in your own right, and deserving of social support.
You can count on an online psychologist at Therapyside to continue exploring your emotions, prioritising yourself and taking care of your psychological well-being. If this article has helped you better understand this topic, we hope you feel more empowered to live a life without limitations!
You can count on an online psychologist at Therapyside to continue delving into your emotions, prioritize yourself, and take care of your psychological well-being. If this article has helped you better understand this topic, we hope you feel more empowered to live a life without limitations!